What a Wild Ride!

So today I won a contest on Facebook and I had to reveal what we are naming Pip to someone who isn't in our every day life. This person responded told me that the name is so cool and then we started to chat on how Dann and I met and what the heck I was doing in England in the first place. Sometimes I blow my own mind.

I genuinely still find myself shocked at times at all of the obstacles I had to jump through to get to this point. Never, not even in five zillion years and two billion lifetimes, did I think that my getting on a plane to move to England, when most people told me I was crazy, would lead to meeting a man who I was infatuated with from the moment I knew his name, never mind tricking that guy into proposing to me, and creating this human being with him.  None of this was a part of my plan when I took off to England in August 2011!  

Someone said to me yesterday that sometimes whirlwinds are the best way for things to happen. Considering I am a very impatient person when it comes to things happening I agreed. I couldn't really see this happening any other way, don't get me wrong this baby was not planned at all and it's still a shock but prior to January 2013 if you were to say to me now just isn't the time to have a baby (talking about yourself because I always wanted babies) I would tell you that there is never a good time to have a baby. There is never enough money. There is never enough time or energy or strength.  I would close it up with saying now is the perfect time because now is all we have.  I've definitely tried to keep all of that in the back of my mind especially when fear and/or pain try to override every other emotion that should be dominating my soul. 

I cannot lie when I think about how far along I am, in twenty minutes I'll be 23 weeks, I still get blown away.  It is surreal to me when I think "I'm five months pregnant."  I get overwhelmed  so easily when it comes to things now.  I dared to go to target and finish things on the registry that I couldn't pick out online and I couldn't ignore the anxiety.  How in the world does one person know what to do for another person when they person doesn't speak but rather cry to get his way?  

And then he kicks me.  It's like we have our own secret code. I'll drink something and I think if he likes it he'll kick me. When he likes the music that I'm listening to he'll bounce around in there.  It doesn't feel like butterflies. I actually don't know how else to describe it but to say it feels as though my digestive system is working hard.  It startles me but not in a bad way at all.  I guess it kind of reminds me of a hiccup when he kicks me. You know that it's going to happen but you can't really stop yourself from jumping over it.  It obviously doesn't last long but in those swift nanoseconds I don't feel pain or fear. I just feel this little guy saying hey mom I'm getting bored in here. I'm thinking in a couple months  going to want to get out of here and cause some chaos for you until then keep the music coming and I'll keep using your bladder as a piano  and your back as a kick drum.   

I hope that you guys are just as shocked when you think "Autumn's going to be a mom."  Because I sure am! 

The Heat is On.

I actually didn't have a better title for this post.  I just need a place to vent or rant or rave. I'm not seeking pity. You all know me better than that but I just need to get this down and out so that I can just let it go. 

This should be such a happy time for me.  I find myself a bit envious of all of the moms that are so excited to be pregnant and go about their day without wincing in pain or only worrying about what will happen the day their baby is born 75% of the day.   That is not my experience with pregnancy.  And I am so sad about it. 

I have a huge pain tolerance.  I remember at a doctor's appointment years ago, when my mother was still allowed to speak for me, the doctor asked what my pain level was and I just shrugged my shoulders and with that my mom said, "I don't know if she even remembers what it's like to not be in pain. She doesn't really complain about anything that hurts her even though I can see that it does."   For some reason that has stuck with me after all of this time.  While I believe this still holds true, I cannot help but be angry about how much pain I am in.  Between my back and my stomach (muscles) aching constantly, it's often overwhelming. There are things that people do every day that would hurt me before I was pregnant and now that has intensified by thousands and there are some things that I do, like sneezing or coughing, that are just painful. I just don't know how I will get through the next 18 weeks. 

It also makes me irate that I am not enjoying this time because, while my doctors are confident Pip and I will both survive, I am not.  Krissy tells me that my feelings (I'm quite intuitive) are really just fear creeping through but I have a hard time imagining meeting Pip.  I hope I'm wrong and I probably am, but that fear is there and it's not going anywhere.   Add on that I can't even enjoy this pregnancy and you have a perfect formula for a miserable Autumn. 

I am trying very hard to keep on keeping on.  You know, fake it until you make it.  I'm still working as many hours that are available to me because I need the money (who doesn't?) but that is getting difficult too.   I find myself in pain much faster than I was even two weeks ago. I desperately want to work as much as I can because of the trips to Baltimore and then you know saving for diapers and formula on top of the normal bills. I know that everyone has to do this and I do not want anyone to think that I do not want to do it.  I just wish the pain would ease up.  I wish it wouldn't hurt every second of the day so that when I have the opportunity to work ten hours for four days a week I can take it. 

I also know that the universe wouldn't give me anything that I couldn't handle. I believe that if we both survive this that no one in this world will be more proud of me than myself. The amount of fear I have going through my veins is unlike any other time in my life.  For once I can actually say I am afraid. 

And for once I can actually say I am afraid to die.  I was never afraid of that before because we all have to do it.  But now I have this kid counting on me for so many things and now I'm afraid of not following through for him. I have eighteen weeks until I reach full term.  It's odd and not justified at all to think of that as a death sentence but sometimes I do.  The thought of bringing a child into this world in hopes that he will be a good, just, humane, and peaceful person but not knowing if I will be able to help him become that person, to be an example for him, is more unbearable than the back pain.   

So I had to write.  I don't know if it's because this pain has reached an all time high or if it's the weather (it's not the weather) but today I had to write.