This should be such a happy time for me. I find myself a bit envious of all of the moms that are so excited to be pregnant and go about their day without wincing in pain or only worrying about what will happen the day their baby is born 75% of the day. That is not my experience with pregnancy. And I am so sad about it.
I have a huge pain tolerance. I remember at a doctor's appointment years ago, when my mother was still allowed to speak for me, the doctor asked what my pain level was and I just shrugged my shoulders and with that my mom said, "I don't know if she even remembers what it's like to not be in pain. She doesn't really complain about anything that hurts her even though I can see that it does." For some reason that has stuck with me after all of this time. While I believe this still holds true, I cannot help but be angry about how much pain I am in. Between my back and my stomach (muscles) aching constantly, it's often overwhelming. There are things that people do every day that would hurt me before I was pregnant and now that has intensified by thousands and there are some things that I do, like sneezing or coughing, that are just painful. I just don't know how I will get through the next 18 weeks.
It also makes me irate that I am not enjoying this time because, while my doctors are confident Pip and I will both survive, I am not. Krissy tells me that my feelings (I'm quite intuitive) are really just fear creeping through but I have a hard time imagining meeting Pip. I hope I'm wrong and I probably am, but that fear is there and it's not going anywhere. Add on that I can't even enjoy this pregnancy and you have a perfect formula for a miserable Autumn.
I am trying very hard to keep on keeping on. You know, fake it until you make it. I'm still working as many hours that are available to me because I need the money (who doesn't?) but that is getting difficult too. I find myself in pain much faster than I was even two weeks ago. I desperately want to work as much as I can because of the trips to Baltimore and then you know saving for diapers and formula on top of the normal bills. I know that everyone has to do this and I do not want anyone to think that I do not want to do it. I just wish the pain would ease up. I wish it wouldn't hurt every second of the day so that when I have the opportunity to work ten hours for four days a week I can take it.
I also know that the universe wouldn't give me anything that I couldn't handle. I believe that if we both survive this that no one in this world will be more proud of me than myself. The amount of fear I have going through my veins is unlike any other time in my life. For once I can actually say I am afraid.
And for once I can actually say I am afraid to die. I was never afraid of that before because we all have to do it. But now I have this kid counting on me for so many things and now I'm afraid of not following through for him. I have eighteen weeks until I reach full term. It's odd and not justified at all to think of that as a death sentence but sometimes I do. The thought of bringing a child into this world in hopes that he will be a good, just, humane, and peaceful person but not knowing if I will be able to help him become that person, to be an example for him, is more unbearable than the back pain.
So I had to write. I don't know if it's because this pain has reached an all time high or if it's the weather (it's not the weather) but today I had to write.
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