OY!
You know for once I would like an appointment to just be completely full of good news! I don't really think that is all that much to ask but that could just be me. I went to the doctor for an anatomy ultrasound today or to try to complete it since it wasn't possible at Hopkins.
What a can of worms.
I have to say that the doctor at this place was phenomenal. He was thorough and compassionate and brutally honest. He spoke with Dr. Kelley while I was getting the ultrasound done and had a pretty good idea of my story by the time he was off of the phone with Kelley. That didn't really make any of the news better as I had hoped.
Apparently, Kelley still believes that a C-Section is the best bet for me. I am very okay with this. It is because of my underlying muscle weakness that is driving him away from regular delivery or assisted delivery. Kelley and this doctor, Dr. Kraus, both believe that my uterus will not contract for labor which will cause problems. Like my uterus tearing. You must understand that not only did not expect to have children for another two or three years, I wasn't even thinking about preparing to have children anytime soon. I was planning a wedding on night and then next night I found was pregnant. So I wasn't ashamed or embarrassed to ask what happens if my uterus tears. Dr. Kraus just looked at me and said "it's very bad." I mean I expected that it was very bad but just because you see something on Grey's Anatomy doesn't make it true. But my assumptions were right and it surely is very bad if that happens. For this reason I am sure that the baby will be delivered by C-Section anyway.
But then there is another reason.
My placenta isn't where it's supposed to be. For those of you who do not know - your placenta should be at least two centimeters away from your cervix. My normal ultrasound was interrupted by an internal ultrasound because it was suspected that there wasn't enough room. Dr. Kraus was optimistic and said that there is probably enough room but we just need to double check. Optimism killed the cat, folks. Not stupidity or curiosity, plain old optimism. My placenta is hardly half a centimeter away from my cervix which is a risk because that can cause bleeding. He said that this can fix itself but I need to play it safe and let any doctor know that no other internal exams can take place for the risk of bleeding.
But wait! There's more!
While this doctor admitted that he doesn't have a lot of information to tell me because he isn't familiar with me and I do not exist anywhere...
Wait. Hold on here's a funny...
Dr. Kraus comes in from speaking with Dr. Kelley and he turns to me and states, "You're a zebra."
You can imagine my face. I've been called many things in my time but never a zebra.
Then he proceeds to say that when students start med school they have a bunch of common sense and some book smarts. And if they heard a sound of hoof steps behind them and were asked what they thought was behind them, the student, before medical school, would say a horse as that is the most likely result. But then by the time they graduate and become doctors that same scenario gets a response of a zebra. The rarest and most unlikely answer but that is what doctors look for - rare and unlikely. He told me this story and then said, 'But you. You are the actual zebra and it is safe to say that no one knows what they are doing now that answer is finally zebra." And he had a zebra tie on today. Comedy of Errors.
Okay back to what I was getting to next.
The muscle weakness issues continue. While neither Dr. Kelley or Dr. Kraus believe that the baby and pregnancy will be affected by this disease of mine, they both, or at least Dr. Kraus, believe that I will be affected by this pregnancy. He is concerned about the calorie intake, as I need more of it and I may not be able to keep up with it, and he is concerned about my breathing in the third trimester. The respiratory system is obviously run by muscles and works extra hard in the third trimester so there is some concern there. He continued to say that he wouldn't be surprised if I would end up going for an amniocentesis at 36 weeks and if Pip's lungs are strong enough and good to go they will do a C-Section and he will be in the hospital until he is okay to come home.
I think besides the whole bleeding to death thing, the biggest issue I had was that the doctor kept referring to Pip as a fetus. Pip isn't a fetus. He's a little person already. He has his personality and he is impossibly stubborn as we have to try to do the anatomy ultrasound again. He couldn't stop moving his hands today and he gave us a thumbs up twice during today's ultrasound. He sat cross legged pretty much the whole time and for most the ultrasounds he can't get over showing us his butt. He has ears that he can hear me with and I am quite sure he smiled for a photo today. He's hardly a fetus. Oh and please don't think that this is the time or place to get into a religious or political debate. He's a person not just a fetus. He's my son.
The doctor did say that their first priority (Kelley's, Hopkins', and his) is to me and to make sure I survive. Even if that means Pip doesn't. I can't really wrap my head around that. I can't imagine going through all of this and not even get to meet Pip. I can't really even comprehend that this is a possibility. To be honest, I really think it effin' sucks. I've always wanted children and, although now is not the ideal time, he exists and he is on his way now. We didn't have to struggle to get pregnant. Hell, we didn't even have to try. I wonder, if things happened in an orderly way, if the doctors would have told me that I couldn't have children, that it would be too risky. So here I am with my little miracle child that I didn't even know would be a miracle (besides all children being miracles) as we go against every odd out there. So I can't help but want to scream at someone when they tell me in not so many words that the choice is going to be me over Pip. From the moment I learned of him, no matter how scared I was, I knew I'd always choose Pip. How can someone else make that choice for me? I mean everyone else is on the other page and agrees that my health and survival comes first. I don't want Pip to not have a mom but how does one recover from that? I know people do it all of the time but Pip and I are buddies already. I just can't see myself bouncing back from that heartbreak. Dann, my mother, brother etc etc are all concerned and drumming into my head that I come first. I am just not on that page.
I've always joked that I would live to be 124 and die of old age because I can't see anything that would take me down after all I've been through. Yes, I have met my match. My 11 ounce match. It's weird because I love him, please don't get me wrong, but each day he gets bigger and each day September comes closer and when I think of the science side and not the emotional side of this, it's like I am a ticking time bomb that just needs to be disarmed in time. Pip isn't aware of this. He just gets mad when I eat too much and there is no room for him. He patiently waits for story time every night and he likes to tick off the ultrasound techs on a regular basis. I mean I think he's pretty cool already. He has no clue that he is a six inch ball of chaos.
So here's to hoping some good news comes our way by the end of the week.
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