It's hard to be away from your significant other and it's even harder while pregnant. I know that I am lucky that he isn't in the off with the army in Afghanistan somewhere and that I do get to speak with him all of the time but it's still hard. It didn't help that Dann spoiled me during my first trimester. Granted it hurt to move then even more than it does now but sometimes it would still be nice for someone to get my clothes together for me or rub my feet or hug me when I am crying for absolutely no reason at all.
And that isn't to be confused or thought of as me being ungrateful for all of the people who are helping me. My mother and father are being absolutely wonderful right now. All of the help that they give me I can never return or express enough gratitude for. My friends are definitely making me laugh, when I let them. But sometimes you just want your other half with you. Especially when I can't sleep/
I know it's hard now so it won't be hard later but that doesn't really doesn't make me happy about it. I rely on Skype and Kik messenger like I rely on the air that I breathe. It's just eight more weeks until Dann is here and that is something to look forward to. I just hate that he will miss all of these firsts with me - hearing the heartbeat, seeing Pip as more than a dot etc.
I hope this blues go away soon!
Friday, March 29, 2013
Monday, March 25, 2013
The Bizarre Process of Creating Life
I need to write about it. It isn't a secret that I had no intentions of getting pregnant when I found out that I was six weeks pregnant. Circumstances are not ideal right now but sometimes things happen regardless of what we think of them.
So, you know, I am going to do my best. I am mainly writing this because everything I read says to keep a pregnancy journal. My hands go nuts after hold a pen for a few sentences so I guess this is the best bet. You don't have to read this. I am not even going to share it. Only the die-hard Autumn fans are ever going to find this.
It's scary. Every single thing that goes on in or to my body I am aware of. Suddenly I am no longer downing cans of Dr. Pepper, not because I want to lose weight but rather I don't want Pip to be crazy from all of the caffeine. I lay low on the candy, which I did anyway but now it's extra low. I am in bed by 11 asleep, most nights, by 12:30. I'm currently prancing around with grey hair because I couldn't dye mine during the first trimester (and I hate the way I look). Suddenly I am looking for all organic things to use in my hair. I like to believe I am a selfless person and I often find myself putting others' needs before my own but I have never known myself to be this selfless. Pip is hungry and I am sound asleep? I will wake up and eat where I used to sleep right through hunger because I do love my sleep. And suddenly Pip is my first and main concern. I love this kid already and he/she is just a pain in my butt so far.
And the pain. For at least six weeks I have had the worse back and hip pain I have ever felt in my entire life. Many women that I speak to tell me that I shouldn't be feeling it this early but I am with every move I make. Coughing, laughing, or moving a pillow causes the most extreme pain that I can ever imagine. That is the part I hate the most. The puking, the passing out, the intolerance to smells, even being insanely weak- all of that I can handle but it's the constant pain that I just cannot deal with. Every moment I hope it gets better and sometimes it eases up but I know that it will only be a matter of time before it starts again. It's hard. I am sure it's hard for every lady that finds herself pregnant but I cannot believe it is this hard or no one would do it. I hear the second trimester is where it's at. I am about two weeks into it and I see some relief with other things but the pain is not one of those things.
Then last night in the middle of a conversation with my friend, Krissy, it hit me. There is another beating heart in my belly. Don't get me wrong, I knew that there was a person in there but a BEATING HEART. I just can't get over it. I didn't even hear the heartbeat yet but I imagine it all of the time and I cannot wait to hear it. The brain, the eyes, the legs etc are all great but a heart. It's just absolutely wild. To think that Dann and I made something so complex is overwhelming and awe-inspiring.
Yeah, I'm grumpy and tired. Most days I hate getting out of bed because it's just so cozy in there but the reality of this little pip growing into a human inside of me is something I can hardly wrap my head around.
I was always one to say that there are no such thing as accidents (or mistakes?). Everything is meant to be. I cannot lie when I first found out I was pregnant I started to believe that that idea was bullcrap. The last things I wanted was to be pregnant. But I think I am slowly making my way back to that mindset. I cannot believe that the Universe would have things happen that aren't meant to happen. I don't believe it never mind can't.
So, you know, I am going to do my best. I am mainly writing this because everything I read says to keep a pregnancy journal. My hands go nuts after hold a pen for a few sentences so I guess this is the best bet. You don't have to read this. I am not even going to share it. Only the die-hard Autumn fans are ever going to find this.
It's scary. Every single thing that goes on in or to my body I am aware of. Suddenly I am no longer downing cans of Dr. Pepper, not because I want to lose weight but rather I don't want Pip to be crazy from all of the caffeine. I lay low on the candy, which I did anyway but now it's extra low. I am in bed by 11 asleep, most nights, by 12:30. I'm currently prancing around with grey hair because I couldn't dye mine during the first trimester (and I hate the way I look). Suddenly I am looking for all organic things to use in my hair. I like to believe I am a selfless person and I often find myself putting others' needs before my own but I have never known myself to be this selfless. Pip is hungry and I am sound asleep? I will wake up and eat where I used to sleep right through hunger because I do love my sleep. And suddenly Pip is my first and main concern. I love this kid already and he/she is just a pain in my butt so far.
And the pain. For at least six weeks I have had the worse back and hip pain I have ever felt in my entire life. Many women that I speak to tell me that I shouldn't be feeling it this early but I am with every move I make. Coughing, laughing, or moving a pillow causes the most extreme pain that I can ever imagine. That is the part I hate the most. The puking, the passing out, the intolerance to smells, even being insanely weak- all of that I can handle but it's the constant pain that I just cannot deal with. Every moment I hope it gets better and sometimes it eases up but I know that it will only be a matter of time before it starts again. It's hard. I am sure it's hard for every lady that finds herself pregnant but I cannot believe it is this hard or no one would do it. I hear the second trimester is where it's at. I am about two weeks into it and I see some relief with other things but the pain is not one of those things.
Then last night in the middle of a conversation with my friend, Krissy, it hit me. There is another beating heart in my belly. Don't get me wrong, I knew that there was a person in there but a BEATING HEART. I just can't get over it. I didn't even hear the heartbeat yet but I imagine it all of the time and I cannot wait to hear it. The brain, the eyes, the legs etc are all great but a heart. It's just absolutely wild. To think that Dann and I made something so complex is overwhelming and awe-inspiring.
Yeah, I'm grumpy and tired. Most days I hate getting out of bed because it's just so cozy in there but the reality of this little pip growing into a human inside of me is something I can hardly wrap my head around.
I was always one to say that there are no such thing as accidents (or mistakes?). Everything is meant to be. I cannot lie when I first found out I was pregnant I started to believe that that idea was bullcrap. The last things I wanted was to be pregnant. But I think I am slowly making my way back to that mindset. I cannot believe that the Universe would have things happen that aren't meant to happen. I don't believe it never mind can't.
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