I need to write about it. It isn't a secret that I had no intentions of getting pregnant when I found out that I was six weeks pregnant. Circumstances are not ideal right now but sometimes things happen regardless of what we think of them.
So, you know, I am going to do my best. I am mainly writing this because everything I read says to keep a pregnancy journal. My hands go nuts after hold a pen for a few sentences so I guess this is the best bet. You don't have to read this. I am not even going to share it. Only the die-hard Autumn fans are ever going to find this.
It's scary. Every single thing that goes on in or to my body I am aware of. Suddenly I am no longer downing cans of Dr. Pepper, not because I want to lose weight but rather I don't want Pip to be crazy from all of the caffeine. I lay low on the candy, which I did anyway but now it's extra low. I am in bed by 11 asleep, most nights, by 12:30. I'm currently prancing around with grey hair because I couldn't dye mine during the first trimester (and I hate the way I look). Suddenly I am looking for all organic things to use in my hair. I like to believe I am a selfless person and I often find myself putting others' needs before my own but I have never known myself to be this selfless. Pip is hungry and I am sound asleep? I will wake up and eat where I used to sleep right through hunger because I do love my sleep. And suddenly Pip is my first and main concern. I love this kid already and he/she is just a pain in my butt so far.
And the pain. For at least six weeks I have had the worse back and hip pain I have ever felt in my entire life. Many women that I speak to tell me that I shouldn't be feeling it this early but I am with every move I make. Coughing, laughing, or moving a pillow causes the most extreme pain that I can ever imagine. That is the part I hate the most. The puking, the passing out, the intolerance to smells, even being insanely weak- all of that I can handle but it's the constant pain that I just cannot deal with. Every moment I hope it gets better and sometimes it eases up but I know that it will only be a matter of time before it starts again. It's hard. I am sure it's hard for every lady that finds herself pregnant but I cannot believe it is this hard or no one would do it. I hear the second trimester is where it's at. I am about two weeks into it and I see some relief with other things but the pain is not one of those things.
Then last night in the middle of a conversation with my friend, Krissy, it hit me. There is another beating heart in my belly. Don't get me wrong, I knew that there was a person in there but a BEATING HEART. I just can't get over it. I didn't even hear the heartbeat yet but I imagine it all of the time and I cannot wait to hear it. The brain, the eyes, the legs etc are all great but a heart. It's just absolutely wild. To think that Dann and I made something so complex is overwhelming and awe-inspiring.
Yeah, I'm grumpy and tired. Most days I hate getting out of bed because it's just so cozy in there but the reality of this little pip growing into a human inside of me is something I can hardly wrap my head around.
I was always one to say that there are no such thing as accidents (or mistakes?). Everything is meant to be. I cannot lie when I first found out I was pregnant I started to believe that that idea was bullcrap. The last things I wanted was to be pregnant. But I think I am slowly making my way back to that mindset. I cannot believe that the Universe would have things happen that aren't meant to happen. I don't believe it never mind can't.
No comments:
Post a Comment