A terrible idea!
I am uber miserable today. I think it's because I am bored and when I am bored I have tons of time to think about how much control I do not have over things. But then I noticed that when I am miserable, all of the crazy people that I know come out to bother me. It's like they have some sort of monitor on me and really know when to get to me. And it was a rainy, crappy day today. I know there is such thing as seasonal depression, but I wonder if there is such thing as a legitimate rainy day depression.
There is nothing glamorous about pregnancy. This glow that people speak of must really be the shimmer make up that I use. People tell me I look great. Really? I mean my self-esteem was the size of a sperm cell before I was pregnant. Now that I am fat and tired all of the time, it is even smaller than that. I had absolutely nothing to do today so I decided to try to find some pants that fit me instead of wearing yoga pants everyday. The sizing was utterly confusing and the prices are outrageous. Yes, I would love to pay $40 for pants that I will wear for the next four months and then never again. Cannot think of anything better I need to do with that money. Nothing like charging you that much when you're not going to wear the clothes that long. Heffer sized clothes at heffer sized prices, welcome to motherhood.
I chose to relax on the maternity pants. To be honest, that band is overwhelming and I wanted to cry when I held up said pants with band. For the love of God, I felt like a beached whale just looking at them. Krissy just laughed in my face when I grunted at them. And then they only had the color I liked in ankle length. Short fat pants. Sweet. Just what the doctor ordered.
Then I asked the lady, who was very nice, about the belly band vs the pant extender. She proceeded to tell me that the band will hide my pants when I cannot button them (did it look like I needed to be reminded of that time) where the extender will make my pre-pregnant jeans last longer because they add five inches. For real? I am really going to gain more than five inches? I DO NOT WANT TO BUY BIGGER CLOTHES, LADY! TELL ME SOMETHING GOOD! So I spent $20 on that pant extender. And I hope they last for the better part of the next four months.
Let's talk about the bras. All of my life I wished to be bodacious however the wish fell on deaf ears. As I got older I gained weight and obviously the ladies got bigger but I was at a size that I enjoyed all around, from bust to belly, the butt was never a concern of mine as I sit all of the time. I have an obsession with knickers and bras. So I have a plethora of both in a variety of colors and coolness. Some have tags still on them. Then I get my arse knocked up! WHAT?! My butt blew up immediately and the ladies just won't stop growing. We obviously do not need to talk about the belly. Be careful what you wish for, folks.My friends say "You always wanted to be bodacious" and kindly remind them that I wanted to be bodacious without getting pregnant. Anyway, I asked the lady what to do about a bra situation and she had the audacity to tell me that I will probably go up a cup size after Pip is born. Apparently, she wasn't aware of the small fortune in bras with tags on them I have sitting in my top drawer just waiting to be worn. And these are cute ones! Ones that I've hunted for and waited for that cannot be used now! I couldn't bring myself to paying heffer prices for these bras. I decided to buy an extender for bras instead. They'll fit me again. They have to. They're so pretty.
I'm also having a bigger issue than normal with homophones and grammatical conundrums that I normally use with ease. I forget things all the time and I have a hard time concentrating whether it's conversation or listening to the GPS. Baby brain is making me insane.
Then my biggest problem is myself. I must say that before I type the rest of this is that I know I am not seeing things clearly and that I am being rather impossible but I am pregnant so it's excusable.
It sucks to have a baby daddy on the other side of the world.
It sucks to not have someone to count on every second of the day (my friends are doing a fantastic job but they don't want to cuddle with me). What sucks more is that Dann is in the middle of preparing for finals and is impossible to talk to. He is busy doing projects and papers and when he isn't doing school work he is at work. I understand how much this time sucks for him. I've been there for like eleven years. I shouldn't complain and I really don't want to complain but sometimes you just want to speak to your other half. Or Someone to lay next to or to cry to because you're so freaking scared of the next four months you want to crawl into a hole and come out for the baby's first birthday and hope that you're both still around for it. I know that I am lucky that Dann is in England and not in Afghanistan or Iraq and I know I am lucky to know when he is coming home and that he is more than likely going to come home in one piece. But it still sucks. He tells me it's hard on him too, but I find that impossible to believe. I feel like a total witch for but not enough to change my mind on it. But until he has to buy bra and pant extenders and make room for his belly and boobs while he's sleeping, I just don't think he should really tell me it's hard on him because the mutation of my body is just the tip of the iceberg.
It stinks when I wake up in the middle of the night with indigestion and would love nothing more than for someone to rub circles in my back. Or someone to watch tv with at night. Or to read to Pip when I am too tired to keep my eyes open. It sucks doing this alone. As I stated earlier my friends and my mom are all doing a great job in supporting me but there are just some things that I want him here for. I am definitely acting like a teenager posting my life on the internet. I should stop now but this is therapeutic and it's my blog so if you don't want to read this then stop!
I'm also annoyed that he goes out when he can talk to me instead. This is not to be taken as I am mad he goes out. I ultimately do not care that he goes out. I care that he goes out and doesn't come home at a reasonable time or in a reasonable condition to talk with me. He hardly goes out. I cannot pretend that he does but I think it was that he went out on a weekend that we were hardly able to speak during the week that did him in.
Again, if I wasn't knocked up I'd be out anyway so what would it matter. Why can't the pre-pregnant Autumn just make pregnant Autumn see things this way?
I do appreciate my friend, Stefanie, trying her hardest to help me see things his way. I also appreciate her turning around and saying that I am right two seconds later even though I know I'm not! The Wrath of Pregnant Autumn has only touched Dann and I'm desperately trying to keep it that way. You may all think I am calm, cool, and collected but once I start yelling I don't stop. I guess that is the Irish in me. So for these people telling me that I am wrong, they are definitely real friends and I appreciate that because I need to stay grounded somehow.
It's like I'm a single mom.
I hate when I am in a store and I see baby mama and daddy all happy as can be looking at baby things while I am hoping that Dann's stupid effin' internet works long enough to hear from him. It sucks. I hate that I have to go to doctor appointments and drag one of my friends with me, and mess with their schedules, because he isn't there to go. I hate what the doctors/nurses/techs must think when they see no dad with me. I feel like I have to explain that my fiancé is in England and we were engaged well before I was pregnant so that they don't think I'm some chick that doesn't know who her baby daddy is or, even worse, this guy is just marrying me because he knocked me up.
I hope that tomorrow is a sunny day and I hope that Pip shows his face at the ultrasound tomorrow because I would love a normal picture of him. I also hope to feel him move soon because I go crazy daily thinking that something is wrong with him because I haven't felt him move yet.
And for the record I strongly dislike the following celebrities Kevin Bacon, Nicolas Cage, David Hasselhoff, Miley Cyrus, Taylor Swift, Kanye West (and Kim by proxy), Chad Kroger, and Alec Baldwin. Especially more today than any other day. Except for Kevin Bacon and Nicolas Cage, I dislike them more and more everyday.
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